I Remember...

I Remember

The day she told me how her dad 
had tried to sell her

How tiny was his house, 
and how sad the story of his mom being tricked away

The day I found out 
he was suicidal, 
and homicidal

His story--the teacher beating him on the head in grade 4
Telling him off for his dad's odd and irritating behaviour

I Remember

The walk to that village
So many times
Each time not quite sure of the way
But sniffing it out
More than the walk
The people in that home
A rare place that treated me as 'normal'
Let me sit up there in the loft above the pigs
Chopping the feed
While we chatted
The walk away from the village
With another woman
Her analogy 
Rain "like diarrhea" that day :o) 
Making vegetable tofu
EATING that tofu
(Even if I stayed, 
those memories are long in the past, 
an era gone by)

I Remember

A me that was young and idealistic
Brimming with enthusiasm
And energy

I Remember

The man left by the river
I had to try to help 
Because earlier
Someone else
I hadn't
And he died

I Remember

Jack's older brother
How wrong it was
That he died that day

On the bus, halfway home
Hearing there had been an explosion
And some of my students lost their fathers

I Remember 

Things shared in grief groups
The stories of pain
The times it was the first time
They had had a chance to grieve
The day I was concerned about all the pain
But then asked
And remembered
No, this is good
Very good

I Remember

This thought trail will continue
And I will keep remembering
Until I remember no more. 

I wonder what new memories 
will be created 
in decades to come

The grieving begins...

And so... the grieving begins

What will it be like
To not walk these streets anymore
To not see the simple shops
To not be able to get to a grocery store
Or buy medication
Or fruit and flour
Within a 5 minute walk

What will it be like
To not always be noticed
Get the double-takes
Hear people talk about me as I walk by
To not have 3 different people greet me
On a 15-20 minute walk to work

Small town living has it's advantages
And disadvantages.

I'm going to miss
That Ratan chair and table set
My balcony garden
All those peace lilies
My innovative planters
My bright, open and full-of-plants office
My kitchen
My living room sofas
The bookshelves
All the little efforts made to make a home
And now I will leave the home

Maybe I should focus on the parts I DON'T like
Then it will be easier....
Yeah, I'm not going to miss the water stains that never got fixed
The electricity that seems to be faulty
I'm especially not going to miss the noise--in the house and out
And such a hard time to find quiet and beautiful places to walk

This is all about surroundings, things.
What is bigger, is the people.

What I love
The crazy openness of relationship
That is what it is with my colleagues
M.A. says I create community
and invite vulnerable relationship
Wherever I go
I don't need to worry about not finding it in the future
I know I already have it with some friends
Suddenly I catch a vision of creating it
in new places, once again.

But people
Their stories
Their homes
These are also the 'reels' that play in my head
The individual vignettes
So many
What a privilege
To have been allowed into their lives
To be trusted
To have shared the journey
At some pivotal and painful times

These encounters
Have marked me
Etched something on my soul
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